That was not a good introduction but I'm just being honest. As you al know it is Raya month now and today was the fourth day of Raya. This is what literally happens.
NOTHING.
Yes. Nothing. I haven't met any of my relatives yet alone my own family. My nephews and nieces. How much I miss them. Ouh God. :'( What pisses me off is, the first day of Raya, there's no Salam Minta Maaf moments. There's no crying or laughing. I slept until 6pm. This is seriously shitty. I don't even know why.... I miss being excited for Raya. I used to love dengar takbir Raya but after my grandfather, (mom's dad) died in year 2007, I've lost interest of it because it made me sad and furious. A lot has been changed after that. I've lost contact with my relatives, there's no more relatives gathering. To be honest most of them ignore and I think some of them don't even recognize me anymore. There's a lot of drama happened in the last few years after my grandfather died. There's a lot of tears compared to giggling and happiness.
My family has been weird and none like other families where, we don't show our thoughts, feelings, even talked much. I don't wish that it could be but I wonder.... It is sad because whenever I opened my online page, I'll see people posting their family gathering. I miss that. I stil kept the last photo that were taken back when my grandfather was alive. It's been ages, and I was like 8-9 years old. At that time, even home is not a home for me but when Raya, we gather and we were happy. Now, when I decide I'm going to let my ego down and started to reconnect with my cousins and all, it's hurt so bad that when I see they gathered together and happy. How I wish I could be there. How I wish I wasn't always be forgotten. How I wish Atok was here. He was the reason we were okay before.
Now, no more relatives to count on, no siblings here (tho I never been close to anyone in my family), no more excitement for holidays like this. Friends aren't always with us 24 hours even if we can and the connection is not the same. They say I looked happy, they say I have many friends, everyone knows me. It occured as weird to be as even my own relatives don't even care or know I'm exists. What is Raya anymore? I wish I could cry but I'm big now, I felt like there's no use of wasting tears. I know it's different now when my siblings are all grown up and have their own family. But sometime it feels kindda lonely here.
I miss Atok. Miss him so much. I wish him well in syurga and he was looking down on me to look after me in doubts. Al-fatihah....
No comments:
Post a Comment