Thoughts And Feelings

I'm jealous.

That was not a good introduction but I'm just being honest. As you al know it is Raya month now and today was the fourth day of Raya. This is what literally happens.

NOTHING.

Yes. Nothing. I haven't met any of my relatives yet alone my own family. My nephews and nieces. How much I miss them. Ouh God. :'( What pisses me off is, the first day of Raya, there's no Salam Minta Maaf moments. There's no crying or laughing. I slept until 6pm. This is seriously shitty. I don't even know why.... I miss being excited for Raya. I used to love dengar takbir Raya but after my grandfather, (mom's dad) died in year 2007, I've lost interest of it because it made me sad and furious. A lot has been changed after that. I've lost contact with my relatives, there's no more relatives gathering. To be honest most of them ignore and I think some of them don't even recognize me anymore. There's a lot of drama happened in the last few years after my grandfather died. There's a lot of tears compared to giggling and happiness.

My family has been weird and none like other families where, we don't show our thoughts, feelings, even talked much. I don't wish that it could be but I wonder.... It is sad because whenever I opened my online page, I'll see people posting their family gathering. I miss that. I stil kept the last photo that were taken back when my grandfather was alive. It's been ages, and I was like 8-9 years old. At that time, even home is not a home for me but when Raya, we gather and we were happy. Now, when I decide I'm going to let my ego down and started to reconnect with my cousins and all, it's hurt so bad that when I see they gathered together and happy. How I wish I could be there. How I wish I wasn't always be forgotten. How I wish Atok was here. He was the reason we were okay before.

Now, no more relatives to count on, no siblings here (tho I never been close to anyone in my family), no more excitement for holidays like this. Friends aren't always with us 24 hours even if we can and the connection is not the same. They say I looked happy, they say I have many friends, everyone knows me. It occured as weird to be as even my own relatives don't even care or know I'm exists. What is Raya anymore? I wish I could cry but I'm big now, I felt like there's no use of wasting tears. I know it's different now when my siblings are all grown up and have their own family. But sometime it feels kindda lonely here.

I miss Atok. Miss him so much. I wish him well in syurga and he was looking down on me to look after me in doubts. Al-fatihah....

Walk, His Shoes. Downhill

I felt that I was called to do this post. I wasn't intentionally thought about it. I'm not believe in our government. Not to be political at all but I used to believe what I hear more than what I saw. I chosed to close my eyes, blinded it with a black dirty cloth. As I grew up I soon learned that what others fed you doesn't mean that you can digest it for good and nothing, ain't shit is wasted. This is about the poor people that don't have roof on top of their head, don't have any power to speak, don't have any money nor food to eat, a lot less to have a drink at a normal 'warung' or coffee shop. I want to use this site to speak my mind on what I believe in not what I wanted to spill my words for nothing. I don't know what is under to the fine that has been lawed in our country.

If you had that choice to make a small place or community of your own comfort zone, do you used it on your own personal interest? Yeah, maybe that's the first thing you do if you have that power. But if the power you had will effect 30 million people on the same roof as yours, will you react the same too? Who are we to say they are not qualified to be where they are now. It doesn't matter if they don't have a house, a food to keep living, a vehicle to move around. As we all know, they didn't want to be like that. They don't want to have a life like this, begging for money, begging for food, begging to stay alive. As far as I know, everybody has dream they dreamt to come true. And to be in their shoes is not anybody's dream. They have no shoes to walk on the heat of sun, they don't have a clean proper clothes to wear, they got no bed to sleep on at night. Just hoping that under the bridge or at a bustop to lay their struggle to stay alive tomorrow and keep living.

I'm only defencing the tramp in the name of our people. The people who is Malaysian. They are poor and the law is not going to help them. Where is all the money, zakat, the alms? Where is the party that supposed to help them? Why is it we don't give a damn about their feelings? They are humans too. If you're talking about PATI that tramps around our country, yes it is logically possible to protect our society from harm. But why do this sort of cruel law is against our own brothers and sisters?

The point is, why can't we help them? Why are we getting fine when we help an innocent slave of God? Aren't we all the same? Who knows we might be in their shoes one day. Hopefully not, nanty menyesal baru nak terngadah kan? So be rasional sikit... Care for others even they don't care about you. Jangan pula memberi pembahagian kepada artis sahaja yang boleh menderma. Takut-takut ada yang tak kenal erti perikemanusiaan.

ONE SMALL STEP YOU TAKE MAY CHANGE THE WORLD IN A SECOND.

Disfunction, Irrational Thoughts; Negativity

A start of just a little stuffs that you may think it's not important. I may have been leading it on until the next big thing in my life. I have hated the way I dealt with life experiences. Last night, I've watched a video on my Facebook timeline. This person spoke for 18 minutes about how we feel and react to our day is based on the people surround you. It's sounded like a normal thing to hear. A common thing. But if you could think the situation in your whole life, it's kindda true.

I used to let people come by and be gone which ever and when ever they wanted too. I have never forced them to stay or to leave. And maybe that's why I've always felt the emptiness in my heart. They often used me as a comfort zone and then just forget about me when they are happy. At the end of the day, it's me who felt the sorrow of loneliness of why people always do that to me. If I'm a bad friend, why do those people searched for me when they are in trouble? If I'm such a bad friend, why do they came to me and ask for my opinion? Why do I stay and why do I let them stay in my life? Is it because I'm desperate for being wanted? Or I just can't stand to be alone?

In my new chapter of my life, I've met some awesome friends that accept me for me. I feel that they know all my bads and goods. They wrote something nice about me and my attitude. They say I'm a good friend. I'll always find them comfort to be okay. I provide them a choice to be okay. I've changed them from shy-ness to be outspoken. It's good to know the little things that I do, that hurts me the most, and they noticed it in a good way.

He spoked about why do i need these type of people worths my time, my wasted time, memories in my life. Everyday we have a choice. It is a big definition for it. We have a choice to go or not to go. What kind of experiences we want to have on that day. Every morning who texted you to go anywhere? They invited you, doesn't mean that you have to go. You have that power to choose which one, and when you're getting all of those invitation, you are not obligated to be there if you know what kind of experience to be with them. So what if they're family? So what if they're childhood friend? They don't even like you and you know it. All the time you spent with them before, they have told you indirectly or directly at you. They have showed you all kinds of signals anything that they can possily think of to make sure you know they dispise you. But you just shut your eyes, your ears, your mind. You'll say "Oh, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." And that's what you're doing it wrong.

Your whole life, you have been taught of this one little but deep message to it sentence. "Some people are in your life for a reason, and some just for a season." You have any names in your mind right now? To think of someone who already expired their date in your life? Just like when you've bumped into your ex, and you felt that cringing feeling about "Why do I like him/her/them in the first place?" That "yucks" feeling is a sign that you are moving on, on the next chapter in your lifetime. You are old enough, mature enough to know what is bad and good in your life.

I'm sorry if I got carried away by this issues. But this topic sure does get my attention. This ain't for everyone.

"In a land of the blind, the one-eyed man is the king" - Tyrese Gibson

p/s : It's good to be writing again.