Matter Of Time...

I feel like I need to write again. I feel so cluttered by all of the SHITTY things in my life. I can't blame anyone but myself. I can't burdened anyone else anymore but I don't know how to handle my rage and sadness. I wish I can describe what is troubling me right now. Everything is a mess. I can't handle anymore stress.

I was thinking... that thinking about sad is easy rather than happy. Seems like the gravity pushing me downwards and I don't know how to go against it. It's like my darken days are welcoming me back home. And happy..? Just wishing me goodbye. I'm not cutting anymore since the last post I've posted. I don't know how long I could stand tall and be blindfolded.

It's gonna be only a few days left for all of my final exams. And I'm SICKED of everything goes SHITTY when anything big came close to my awaken. I wrote this to you because I know I'm free to tell you anything but not everything. I wish I could hug someone. Feeling happy without a reason. It's like drinking a hot coffee with shiny sun glowing in the morning.

Friends don't understand my walls. They only sees what I potrayed and roleplay infront of them. But I can feel my heart is aching and dying and dying every single second. I couldn't close my eyes without being afraid of tomorrow. Can I be this strong again? Can I hold my tears like today? Can I be hapy tomorrow and not be sad? The things we wish once upon a star. But I got of those. Not the wish nor the stars to be hopeful. Everything's done is done. They... He... let me down. He puts me into a shadow of a ghost. It didn't matter and no one can see it nor through it. For now I got to rest. I haven't slept for 19 hours and it's only just 0844. I told him what is bothering me and my problems but he acted like as if he was in SHIT SHITTY SHITTIEST life. As if I never worried about him, only him but not to my personal greed. I was dissapointed by the way he pushed me away while I'm trying to change our three friendship better and stronger. Well, I guess he win.

And I'm so thankful I've my bestfriend to comfort me. I try to hold on to my tears everytime we spoken. I try to put my best foot forward and best smile to cover my sad eyes. Even she knows what's wrong by the second I looked away. And my love, ahhhh..... There's nothing more to be sad and can't say it to your partner. In the end either he's gonna make me even sadder or laughed at me. Maybe we get this far just because me tolerance to his attitude. I wish I can share anything with him, but I can't. He loved me once but I'm not sure if it is love anymore. I can't see the right and wrong as I always on the wrong side of the bed. I wish he could see. I wish he could be just mine. I wish he could just give in.

One thing that irks me, is that in anyone else throwing me and pushing me and drowning me down. He wasn't the one who lifted me up. He was the one who join the feast. Without even knowing it. It's hurts because every time I'm doing it right he closed his eyes. When the time I was wrong the day never went back to normal. I don't know who I love anymore. Or who sincerely love me for me.

Like an equal....