Matter Of Time...

I feel like I need to write again. I feel so cluttered by all of the SHITTY things in my life. I can't blame anyone but myself. I can't burdened anyone else anymore but I don't know how to handle my rage and sadness. I wish I can describe what is troubling me right now. Everything is a mess. I can't handle anymore stress.

I was thinking... that thinking about sad is easy rather than happy. Seems like the gravity pushing me downwards and I don't know how to go against it. It's like my darken days are welcoming me back home. And happy..? Just wishing me goodbye. I'm not cutting anymore since the last post I've posted. I don't know how long I could stand tall and be blindfolded.

It's gonna be only a few days left for all of my final exams. And I'm SICKED of everything goes SHITTY when anything big came close to my awaken. I wrote this to you because I know I'm free to tell you anything but not everything. I wish I could hug someone. Feeling happy without a reason. It's like drinking a hot coffee with shiny sun glowing in the morning.

Friends don't understand my walls. They only sees what I potrayed and roleplay infront of them. But I can feel my heart is aching and dying and dying every single second. I couldn't close my eyes without being afraid of tomorrow. Can I be this strong again? Can I hold my tears like today? Can I be hapy tomorrow and not be sad? The things we wish once upon a star. But I got of those. Not the wish nor the stars to be hopeful. Everything's done is done. They... He... let me down. He puts me into a shadow of a ghost. It didn't matter and no one can see it nor through it. For now I got to rest. I haven't slept for 19 hours and it's only just 0844. I told him what is bothering me and my problems but he acted like as if he was in SHIT SHITTY SHITTIEST life. As if I never worried about him, only him but not to my personal greed. I was dissapointed by the way he pushed me away while I'm trying to change our three friendship better and stronger. Well, I guess he win.

And I'm so thankful I've my bestfriend to comfort me. I try to hold on to my tears everytime we spoken. I try to put my best foot forward and best smile to cover my sad eyes. Even she knows what's wrong by the second I looked away. And my love, ahhhh..... There's nothing more to be sad and can't say it to your partner. In the end either he's gonna make me even sadder or laughed at me. Maybe we get this far just because me tolerance to his attitude. I wish I can share anything with him, but I can't. He loved me once but I'm not sure if it is love anymore. I can't see the right and wrong as I always on the wrong side of the bed. I wish he could see. I wish he could be just mine. I wish he could just give in.

One thing that irks me, is that in anyone else throwing me and pushing me and drowning me down. He wasn't the one who lifted me up. He was the one who join the feast. Without even knowing it. It's hurts because every time I'm doing it right he closed his eyes. When the time I was wrong the day never went back to normal. I don't know who I love anymore. Or who sincerely love me for me.

Like an equal....

It's not like me...

Assalammualaikum w.b.t.  Good morning to you I guess my diary. It's been a long time since my last post to you. I missed writing more than ever but things have changed and time passed us so fasts.

In a few hours is my first exam. First paper of MUET, which is speaking test. It does make me cringe and gave me nervous butterflies. Even at this time, I still couldn't sleep. I was hoping time didn't ticked so fast. I'm scared to disappoint my parent, especially my mom.

It's been two weeks since I opened my books to revise. I've been nowhere but at home, and still I don't feel like studying or do anything in any matter. Everything at home is quite new for me to adapt. Everything has changed. I wish I could tell you more about what has been in my mind lately.

I know this has been a rambling story. I couldn't see things clearly. The saddest part is that I've done it again. This time at my wrist. I cut again. I was in dark place. I wish you could be there to comfort me. There have been times where I wish I could wrote to you. I don't know why but I find it more relief and comforting to me if I wrote it all down rather than talking about it. I wish somebody was there to stop me from cutting again. It hurts more on my heart rather than my wrist. The cut didn't change anything anymore. It didn't feel special treatment anymore. Maybe because I know it is wrong doing. None of y friend knows about it. I guessed I keep it really a secret or I just good at hiding my cuts. I cried so hard that night. So hard that in the morning my lid and under eyes was swollen so big. He knows about the cut. It is my fault that I did it but it is because of him. I love him so much that I couldn't bear thinking of living a day without him. Makes my heart skipped a beat and I couldn't breathe.

Growing up sucks. I'm beginning to act like a zombie. I don't go out too much now. I won't go anywhere but stay in my room every single day. I couldn't find my strength anymore. Now the cuts is healed up and left with scars. I'm ashamed of it. I wear all long sleeves now. I'm sorry to myself for maaking Jannah far away from me.

I'm gonna stop rambling. So tomorrow which is Friday, is my dinner for all seniors form 6 ESEMPI.. I've pick my dress that night. After the exam of MUET later, I'll be accompany-ing Bryan and Izwan to buy their kemeja for that dinner. And Bryan wants to get a haircut too. I'm so pumped and I can't wait for that dinner.

So lastly, that night of the dinner I might have to perform 2 songs. First is with Izah, as she asks me to join her group to sing Yuna's song, Lautan. And lastly with Mal, the song is Farewel To You My Friend by Richard something. I already downloaded it to hear it constantly to remembering the lyrics. Yes, last minute practice but I'll try my best... I hope everything goes well.

Until we meet again, wish me luck in life...