Hope.

It's the mid year already for 2015, and -wouh, what kind of a year for me? It's started out as quite funny and happy year that turns out to be most doomed year of all.

This year has taught me to be more quiet and silences my thoughts and fears more than I can imagine ever. I have been more careful to what I have to decide on my life. I have a big lose this year, -friends, family, trusts, money. Everyday is a struggle to fight not to cut again. I'm trying to smile tho it's not voluntarily. I've spending my days at work and at night my bed is constantly unconstant. My home is not home no more, it's been a month I didn't go back home. It's not like I never cared to be at home with my parents but being home is like torture to my mental health. I'm on the edge to cut my head off and be gone with it if I spend one more day listening to my parents conflicts -and not to mention my siblings conflicts. It's a never ending story.

I've been working at BO at Puchong for 8 months now, and I've learned so much and grown so much than I thought. Though, right now I'm looking for a new job because I can't stand being ridicule at my workplace. Friends? Yeah, but no one I can trust anymore.

Love? It had died before I could blink. I've dissapointed myself for giving up to mens so easily. I trust to much and expect more than anyone, yet this is my path and I can't change my past.

I don't know why I still can feel the pain even my heart is dead.

I STILL FUCKING CUT MYSELF.

The urge.

I don't know how long it would take for me to feel empty and the need to write again. I don't know how long I have the hopes to believe that I have a future. A bright one maybe. Before it all ends in a way of disappointment. I wish I could write all the things that runs through my head. As far as I know, my head is full with thoughts of unknown yet so empty. Though it's making me breathless I got to believe that it is nothing. Nothing matters.

1552. November. 9. 2014

I'm ought to be what I believe in to. But I always failed to see what are my true strength. So I keep forgetting that I have a soul and feelings. Well, that's what others did to me. I keep forgiving the people who hurt me because I think that is the most natural thing to do but I'm wrong. I can't keep letting people hurt me and let it past me by.

And I can't stop listening to SG new song... HEART WANTS WHAT IT WANTS

Matter Of Time...

I feel like I need to write again. I feel so cluttered by all of the SHITTY things in my life. I can't blame anyone but myself. I can't burdened anyone else anymore but I don't know how to handle my rage and sadness. I wish I can describe what is troubling me right now. Everything is a mess. I can't handle anymore stress.

I was thinking... that thinking about sad is easy rather than happy. Seems like the gravity pushing me downwards and I don't know how to go against it. It's like my darken days are welcoming me back home. And happy..? Just wishing me goodbye. I'm not cutting anymore since the last post I've posted. I don't know how long I could stand tall and be blindfolded.

It's gonna be only a few days left for all of my final exams. And I'm SICKED of everything goes SHITTY when anything big came close to my awaken. I wrote this to you because I know I'm free to tell you anything but not everything. I wish I could hug someone. Feeling happy without a reason. It's like drinking a hot coffee with shiny sun glowing in the morning.

Friends don't understand my walls. They only sees what I potrayed and roleplay infront of them. But I can feel my heart is aching and dying and dying every single second. I couldn't close my eyes without being afraid of tomorrow. Can I be this strong again? Can I hold my tears like today? Can I be hapy tomorrow and not be sad? The things we wish once upon a star. But I got of those. Not the wish nor the stars to be hopeful. Everything's done is done. They... He... let me down. He puts me into a shadow of a ghost. It didn't matter and no one can see it nor through it. For now I got to rest. I haven't slept for 19 hours and it's only just 0844. I told him what is bothering me and my problems but he acted like as if he was in SHIT SHITTY SHITTIEST life. As if I never worried about him, only him but not to my personal greed. I was dissapointed by the way he pushed me away while I'm trying to change our three friendship better and stronger. Well, I guess he win.

And I'm so thankful I've my bestfriend to comfort me. I try to hold on to my tears everytime we spoken. I try to put my best foot forward and best smile to cover my sad eyes. Even she knows what's wrong by the second I looked away. And my love, ahhhh..... There's nothing more to be sad and can't say it to your partner. In the end either he's gonna make me even sadder or laughed at me. Maybe we get this far just because me tolerance to his attitude. I wish I can share anything with him, but I can't. He loved me once but I'm not sure if it is love anymore. I can't see the right and wrong as I always on the wrong side of the bed. I wish he could see. I wish he could be just mine. I wish he could just give in.

One thing that irks me, is that in anyone else throwing me and pushing me and drowning me down. He wasn't the one who lifted me up. He was the one who join the feast. Without even knowing it. It's hurts because every time I'm doing it right he closed his eyes. When the time I was wrong the day never went back to normal. I don't know who I love anymore. Or who sincerely love me for me.

Like an equal....

It's not like me...

Assalammualaikum w.b.t.  Good morning to you I guess my diary. It's been a long time since my last post to you. I missed writing more than ever but things have changed and time passed us so fasts.

In a few hours is my first exam. First paper of MUET, which is speaking test. It does make me cringe and gave me nervous butterflies. Even at this time, I still couldn't sleep. I was hoping time didn't ticked so fast. I'm scared to disappoint my parent, especially my mom.

It's been two weeks since I opened my books to revise. I've been nowhere but at home, and still I don't feel like studying or do anything in any matter. Everything at home is quite new for me to adapt. Everything has changed. I wish I could tell you more about what has been in my mind lately.

I know this has been a rambling story. I couldn't see things clearly. The saddest part is that I've done it again. This time at my wrist. I cut again. I was in dark place. I wish you could be there to comfort me. There have been times where I wish I could wrote to you. I don't know why but I find it more relief and comforting to me if I wrote it all down rather than talking about it. I wish somebody was there to stop me from cutting again. It hurts more on my heart rather than my wrist. The cut didn't change anything anymore. It didn't feel special treatment anymore. Maybe because I know it is wrong doing. None of y friend knows about it. I guessed I keep it really a secret or I just good at hiding my cuts. I cried so hard that night. So hard that in the morning my lid and under eyes was swollen so big. He knows about the cut. It is my fault that I did it but it is because of him. I love him so much that I couldn't bear thinking of living a day without him. Makes my heart skipped a beat and I couldn't breathe.

Growing up sucks. I'm beginning to act like a zombie. I don't go out too much now. I won't go anywhere but stay in my room every single day. I couldn't find my strength anymore. Now the cuts is healed up and left with scars. I'm ashamed of it. I wear all long sleeves now. I'm sorry to myself for maaking Jannah far away from me.

I'm gonna stop rambling. So tomorrow which is Friday, is my dinner for all seniors form 6 ESEMPI.. I've pick my dress that night. After the exam of MUET later, I'll be accompany-ing Bryan and Izwan to buy their kemeja for that dinner. And Bryan wants to get a haircut too. I'm so pumped and I can't wait for that dinner.

So lastly, that night of the dinner I might have to perform 2 songs. First is with Izah, as she asks me to join her group to sing Yuna's song, Lautan. And lastly with Mal, the song is Farewel To You My Friend by Richard something. I already downloaded it to hear it constantly to remembering the lyrics. Yes, last minute practice but I'll try my best... I hope everything goes well.

Until we meet again, wish me luck in life...

Thoughts And Feelings

I'm jealous.

That was not a good introduction but I'm just being honest. As you al know it is Raya month now and today was the fourth day of Raya. This is what literally happens.

NOTHING.

Yes. Nothing. I haven't met any of my relatives yet alone my own family. My nephews and nieces. How much I miss them. Ouh God. :'( What pisses me off is, the first day of Raya, there's no Salam Minta Maaf moments. There's no crying or laughing. I slept until 6pm. This is seriously shitty. I don't even know why.... I miss being excited for Raya. I used to love dengar takbir Raya but after my grandfather, (mom's dad) died in year 2007, I've lost interest of it because it made me sad and furious. A lot has been changed after that. I've lost contact with my relatives, there's no more relatives gathering. To be honest most of them ignore and I think some of them don't even recognize me anymore. There's a lot of drama happened in the last few years after my grandfather died. There's a lot of tears compared to giggling and happiness.

My family has been weird and none like other families where, we don't show our thoughts, feelings, even talked much. I don't wish that it could be but I wonder.... It is sad because whenever I opened my online page, I'll see people posting their family gathering. I miss that. I stil kept the last photo that were taken back when my grandfather was alive. It's been ages, and I was like 8-9 years old. At that time, even home is not a home for me but when Raya, we gather and we were happy. Now, when I decide I'm going to let my ego down and started to reconnect with my cousins and all, it's hurt so bad that when I see they gathered together and happy. How I wish I could be there. How I wish I wasn't always be forgotten. How I wish Atok was here. He was the reason we were okay before.

Now, no more relatives to count on, no siblings here (tho I never been close to anyone in my family), no more excitement for holidays like this. Friends aren't always with us 24 hours even if we can and the connection is not the same. They say I looked happy, they say I have many friends, everyone knows me. It occured as weird to be as even my own relatives don't even care or know I'm exists. What is Raya anymore? I wish I could cry but I'm big now, I felt like there's no use of wasting tears. I know it's different now when my siblings are all grown up and have their own family. But sometime it feels kindda lonely here.

I miss Atok. Miss him so much. I wish him well in syurga and he was looking down on me to look after me in doubts. Al-fatihah....

Walk, His Shoes. Downhill

I felt that I was called to do this post. I wasn't intentionally thought about it. I'm not believe in our government. Not to be political at all but I used to believe what I hear more than what I saw. I chosed to close my eyes, blinded it with a black dirty cloth. As I grew up I soon learned that what others fed you doesn't mean that you can digest it for good and nothing, ain't shit is wasted. This is about the poor people that don't have roof on top of their head, don't have any power to speak, don't have any money nor food to eat, a lot less to have a drink at a normal 'warung' or coffee shop. I want to use this site to speak my mind on what I believe in not what I wanted to spill my words for nothing. I don't know what is under to the fine that has been lawed in our country.

If you had that choice to make a small place or community of your own comfort zone, do you used it on your own personal interest? Yeah, maybe that's the first thing you do if you have that power. But if the power you had will effect 30 million people on the same roof as yours, will you react the same too? Who are we to say they are not qualified to be where they are now. It doesn't matter if they don't have a house, a food to keep living, a vehicle to move around. As we all know, they didn't want to be like that. They don't want to have a life like this, begging for money, begging for food, begging to stay alive. As far as I know, everybody has dream they dreamt to come true. And to be in their shoes is not anybody's dream. They have no shoes to walk on the heat of sun, they don't have a clean proper clothes to wear, they got no bed to sleep on at night. Just hoping that under the bridge or at a bustop to lay their struggle to stay alive tomorrow and keep living.

I'm only defencing the tramp in the name of our people. The people who is Malaysian. They are poor and the law is not going to help them. Where is all the money, zakat, the alms? Where is the party that supposed to help them? Why is it we don't give a damn about their feelings? They are humans too. If you're talking about PATI that tramps around our country, yes it is logically possible to protect our society from harm. But why do this sort of cruel law is against our own brothers and sisters?

The point is, why can't we help them? Why are we getting fine when we help an innocent slave of God? Aren't we all the same? Who knows we might be in their shoes one day. Hopefully not, nanty menyesal baru nak terngadah kan? So be rasional sikit... Care for others even they don't care about you. Jangan pula memberi pembahagian kepada artis sahaja yang boleh menderma. Takut-takut ada yang tak kenal erti perikemanusiaan.

ONE SMALL STEP YOU TAKE MAY CHANGE THE WORLD IN A SECOND.

Disfunction, Irrational Thoughts; Negativity

A start of just a little stuffs that you may think it's not important. I may have been leading it on until the next big thing in my life. I have hated the way I dealt with life experiences. Last night, I've watched a video on my Facebook timeline. This person spoke for 18 minutes about how we feel and react to our day is based on the people surround you. It's sounded like a normal thing to hear. A common thing. But if you could think the situation in your whole life, it's kindda true.

I used to let people come by and be gone which ever and when ever they wanted too. I have never forced them to stay or to leave. And maybe that's why I've always felt the emptiness in my heart. They often used me as a comfort zone and then just forget about me when they are happy. At the end of the day, it's me who felt the sorrow of loneliness of why people always do that to me. If I'm a bad friend, why do those people searched for me when they are in trouble? If I'm such a bad friend, why do they came to me and ask for my opinion? Why do I stay and why do I let them stay in my life? Is it because I'm desperate for being wanted? Or I just can't stand to be alone?

In my new chapter of my life, I've met some awesome friends that accept me for me. I feel that they know all my bads and goods. They wrote something nice about me and my attitude. They say I'm a good friend. I'll always find them comfort to be okay. I provide them a choice to be okay. I've changed them from shy-ness to be outspoken. It's good to know the little things that I do, that hurts me the most, and they noticed it in a good way.

He spoked about why do i need these type of people worths my time, my wasted time, memories in my life. Everyday we have a choice. It is a big definition for it. We have a choice to go or not to go. What kind of experiences we want to have on that day. Every morning who texted you to go anywhere? They invited you, doesn't mean that you have to go. You have that power to choose which one, and when you're getting all of those invitation, you are not obligated to be there if you know what kind of experience to be with them. So what if they're family? So what if they're childhood friend? They don't even like you and you know it. All the time you spent with them before, they have told you indirectly or directly at you. They have showed you all kinds of signals anything that they can possily think of to make sure you know they dispise you. But you just shut your eyes, your ears, your mind. You'll say "Oh, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." And that's what you're doing it wrong.

Your whole life, you have been taught of this one little but deep message to it sentence. "Some people are in your life for a reason, and some just for a season." You have any names in your mind right now? To think of someone who already expired their date in your life? Just like when you've bumped into your ex, and you felt that cringing feeling about "Why do I like him/her/them in the first place?" That "yucks" feeling is a sign that you are moving on, on the next chapter in your lifetime. You are old enough, mature enough to know what is bad and good in your life.

I'm sorry if I got carried away by this issues. But this topic sure does get my attention. This ain't for everyone.

"In a land of the blind, the one-eyed man is the king" - Tyrese Gibson

p/s : It's good to be writing again.